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In her face I saw pain and that she had been hurt, hurt by the things I had said and done.
“Why are you doing this?” she asked.

I shrugged and said:

“Becuase this is who I am. Becuase I do not care for you the way you want me to care.”

“So you do not care for my anymore?”

“I didn’t say that. I still care for you. I still think about you every day. I still have your picture in my journal. All I’m saying is that I am not the person you used to know. I have changed, you have changed. And eventhough you say you don’t, you still play your games. You are not being true to me, then why should I be to you?”

“I don’t play any games Johan!” She was screaming now. Tears ran from her face and it botherd me that I did not care.

“No? Well, in any case you want something that you can’t have. I wont be that guy. I wont. You have nothing I want. Plus: there is someone else.”

That did the trick. She looked suprised, but only at first, then something clicked and the she looked at me almost amused.

“Her!? You want her?! How stupid can a man be? You can’t have her Johan! You never could and you sure as hell wont now. Haven’t you learned anything from me?”

“Yes. Yes I have Sara. I have learned something about myself. I have learned who I can trust and guess what? Your not one of them.”

She broke down. Her tears ran from her face and she started to sob. She took a step closer to me.

“Please, can’t we try one more time. I promise I wont lie to you again. I’ll make you happy, I promise.”

I grabbed my shoulderbag on the floor and looked at her.

“I don’t care for happiness or love anymore Sara. All I want is to make through the day. My dear, you have nothing I want. And I have nothing to give you.”

I left the day way I came. The evening was warm and soft. I placed my hands in my pockets and started to walk, and I was almost smiling.

Jag vet att varf?r mina anteckningar har varit s? korta den senaste m?naderna. Det ?r sommar. Jag ?r f?r upptagen med att njuta av v?dret och r?ra mig bland mina v?nner f?r att kunna skriva n?got l?ngre och ?nnu mindre n?got meningsfullt. Med det sagt s? tror jag att det kommer att ?ndras snart nog. H?sten ?r p? v?g. Jag vet, det ?r ganska sv?rt att tro om man tittar ut och ser den bl?a himmlen och k?nner de 23 graderna. Men sanningen ?r den att n?tterna bli kallare, det blir m?rkare snabbare och sedan har vi ju narturligtvis det fr?msta tecknet: jag kan inte sova. Eller kan och kan, sover g?r jag fortfarande, men det ?r jobbigt och jag v?nder och vrider p? mig under x antal timmar innan Mr Sandman kommer med sin sand. Med h?sten kommer alltid min kreativa h?jdpunkt p? ?ret och det innerb?r ?ven en djup depresion, vilket jag tror kan vara h?lsosamt. M?nga m?nniskor fruktar deprisioner och f?rs?ker g?mma sig f?r dem. Jag anser att det ?r en m?nsklig k?nsla precis som gl?dje, sorg, vrede whatever och att den inte alls b?r f?rnekas utan v?ltras i.

Jag surfade runt p? http://www.comicon.com efter min konversation med Emma och ins?g hur fruktansv?rt mycket det ?r jag vill l?sa och hur mycket som verkar vara fruktansv?rt intressanta titlar. N?r det g?ller serier s? har illustrati?rerna blivit ?ver lag fruktansv?rt duktiga de senaste ?ret. Jag minns med fasa slutet av 90-talet d? alla skulle efterlikna McFarlanes Spawn, en stil som passade Spawn men just det, bara Spawn.
Nu verkar de olika f?rlagen satsa mer p? rena stilar men utan att gl?ma detaljerna, n?got som fick upp mitt ?ga var ett av omslagen till en av de titlarna som kanske inte ?r bland de mest intressanta, men vid Gud vilka omslag. Titlen ?r en miniserie vid namn Batman Family och vad den handlar om orkar jag inte g? in p? h?r, men kolla g?rna in omslaget till nr 5 h?r.

Jag antar att jag f?r r?ra mig ner mot stan idag. Fika, snacka skit, skriva lite. Det h?ller inte att g?mma sig l?ngre, jag m?ste v?ga mig ut, damit!