I try to cry but no tears come.
They all smile all around me; laughing, joking and I can see her smile in the corner of my eye. Nothing seems real or solid. All I can feel is sadness in my chest. And I try to smile, to joke, to laugh and then I feel her hand in mine under the table were no one can see. She says nothing, but when I turn my head I can se that her smile is gone and she looks at me, my sadness reflected in her eyes.
Later, we stand and talk, smoking cigarettes, trying to say goodbye.
- What are you saying? That you will be back?
- In three months, maybe, we’ll see.
I nod, like I understood and I don’t. She stomps on the cigarette and grab her bike.
- Take care of yourself Johan. I’ll sms you my new number when I got it.
One last time. I embrace her but not crying.
- You take care, and call me if you need anything. I say.
She smiles, gets up on her bike and then, she is gone.
I stand still listening to the wind in the September afternoon. A tear finaly seeks it’s way down from my eye and I stand there, at work, trying to find some meaning in her absense. The sky is bright blue, the air warm and the wind strong.
- Johan! I need some help here.
The voice comes from the inside and I sigh. I turn around and walk in the door back to work and back to my life. I’ll see you again my dear.
Thoughts going back in time. Making sense of everything, of what could have been, and would ave happened then. I hear her vocie. It’s loud, she’s screaming. At me, with me, and I’m telling her not to upset herself, that I can change. And this all, makes sense to me.
